10 benefits of suffering

Even though suffering sometimes feels like a monster who nobody wants and when we meet him we either fight or we want to run away… every kind of suffering or pain has its benefits. Some are excuses (benefits which sabotage us) but some are really useful.

TOXIC BENEFITS OF SUFFERING

OTHER PEOPLE’S EXCESIVE CONCERN - Even though you feel bad and maybe you are not aware of this benefit and you only want to escape from pain (physical or psychological), as long as the ones around you answer your claims, demands and kiss your ass, you start to see pain as a benefit because at some level you are ok with that and you like all the attention you receive.

• For example, I have a client which at some point of every month always started to get temperature. The doctors didn’t know anymore what to give her to strengthen her immunity and recommended her to see a psychologist. So we discovered together that every time her husband had to leave town for a few days for some business meetings she suddenly got temperature. When she was sick, her husband had to postpone his meetings and so on. So her body learned that she receives what she wants if she has fever.

• Another case is a client with panic attacks who always had her husband’s attention in those moments, he was more affective and felt more responsible even for housekeeping, money, everything. Here we should be more careful in both direction. What we obtain when we are in pain but how we make the ones around us look disable when we want to save them too.

The question is How important you feel and why do you want to save someone? If the person next to you suddenly starts feeling better who would you be and what would you do?

VICTIMISATION It is a benefit of suffering because we think that life is in debt to us so it has to give us something. And if we play the victim a little and those around us can’t see it, maybe life or God or faith could see us and answer our demands. Playing the victim is being superior. I only see myself and my pain and feel super-important like nothing else exists anymore (including something good in my life. Then I demand something to happen, instead of seeing what I can do in this moment. I prefer the dramas because I can’t or I don’t want to take my responsibility. Everybody else is responsible for this problem so I want life or everybody else to solve it. I have nothing to do with it.

At this point think about what you can do at this moment (if you can do something) and what aspect of your life you ignore right now.

VALIDATING YOUR OWN DRAMAS AND STORIES Another benefit is that you can talk with those around you who deal with things like yours. And you start talking and telling stories like you are in some sort of competition for who has the most awful life, the more pain, etcetera. No one looks at the solutions, you only validate each others problems. “Oh, how awful that is! Oh, your husband is a real douchebag! Yeah, it’s really hard to do this… or that and so on.”

What do you want in those situations? If you want to be right and consider yourself a victim, to enjoy the fact that you are not the only one with problems, or do you want to solve the problem? If the answer is the second option, you can focus on what you have to do, even in the conversations with other people. What can you do right now?

COMPLACENCY AND FALLING INTO SUFFERING Suffering is felt as a humiliation from someone or from life (this happens because somewhere in your life you felt too important, too strong). Falling deep into your suffering, you don’t make yourself responsible anymore for your mistakes and for what you could do in this very moment or in the future.

Look at your resources (native, as: a good memory, intelligence or abilities) and what you can do right now to get out from there. It’s really good to stay with your unpleasant moods without trying to run, but staying too much and falling into them is not good. Don’t make yourself more miserable with your mental stories.

• For example, observe yourself while you are angry or worried. Observe how many stories you added to your initial mood, how many more thoughts and emotions.

THE IMAGE OF PAIN - Pain has its advantage. Even the pity of those around you… but some people are annoyed by pity and try to get over the suffering using past experiences to create an image of a powerful human being. And so, authentic pain transforms in a huge image that is begging for something. Attention, pity, admiration, sacrifice, etc. Pain has its superiority too. We feel special and unique in our problems and pains, don’t we?

And when I do this, I try to ask myself a question: “Who would I be without my problem?” Many times I discovered why it was so indispensable and why giving up suffering would also mean giving up advantages which I easily obtained.

Try to look a little past this moment and observe what images you create right now, taking advantage of your suffering. Follow the next steps, where you don’t create monsters and see the utility of an illness.

USEFUL BENEFITS OF SUFFERING

MAKES YOU MORE HUMBLE The humility we feel when we are at the ground happens because we ignore some signals which life and our wish to feel superior gave us. I observed at myself that many times a thick thought came… that I feel too important, too big and something told me I should come down on Earth a little bit. But of course I ignored it. Or I prepared my answers such as: “Give me one more minute, please, to stay in this superiority and feel more important then I am. Just a second… or But it’s my right to feel important because I am important!” (bitch… please) I ignored every single signal of these until I met the pain of seeing myself and how small I really am, and then I remembered that I have a debt that I need to pay. If you don’t know your place, consequences of your own choices will come to make you more humble at some point.

Being humble does not mean to bow your head, but to know your real place, the real you (qualities and faults, strengths and limits, to not forget who you are, and live aside who you’d like to appear). I see becoming humble as a huge benefit. Think about how life would look like without these steps of suffering, being at your lowest, having revelations… I think I would die stupid in my dreams of importance. So it’s a good thing!

Suffering only wants you to cooperate with others and with life, and this you can only do from a foundation of vulnerability and honesty, when you accept you are not God and you accept your human nature with its limits included.

SUFFERING SHOWS US WHERE WE ARE OR WE WERE WRONG - If there would be no consequences for our choices, we would walk like blind people till the end and fall deeply into our shit. I see suffering as love from life, like a gift, like something we need to see. And when you see where you are wrong, the idea is not to judge yourself (then you are in the toxic benefits), but to choose something else. I mean responsibility and assumption.

And remember that for most of our sufferings… we at some point obtained something (which we didn’t see or didn’t want to see). Those advantages and slippages must be respected.

• For example, in the situation I described above about my superiorities…no matter how much I hated my pain when consequences came, I couldn’t play stupid anymore and refuse to see the satisfaction I had from my mistakes. Remember, all that matters is that the next time you see yourself in those impulses and attitudes to get out from them keeping in mind the price you’ll later have to pay if you don’t get out.

IT BRINGS AN OPPORTUNITY (EVOLUTION) - Suffering is an opportunity to learn something and choose what you want to be. A victim or a fighter? A worthy man, responsible, with strong aspirations? There are times when I can do nothing and then the opportunity is to see how I handle my mood, how I accept it without going any deeper. And usually in this time some solutions, ideas appear because I am fully present in my life. And life loves presence, courage, responsibility.

SUFFERING REMINDS YOU WHAT’S IMPORTANT FOR YOU - Every time something happens to you physically or psychologically, you get a reminder of what’s really important in this life. That’s why most of the revelations come when someone we love dies, when parts of our body are in huge pain, parts that I never knew are so important, and when mentally and emotionally we are so unbalanced that we don’t know from where to get up and do something again. And that is when we see ourselves better and realize what’s really important. That’s why we need to respect suffering: it reminds us about what’s important for our being. As a dear friend says: “Illness is like a good friend who drives us home safely, while we are drunk.” So is suffering.

IT CURES (SUFFERING AS SOUL DETOXIFICATION) If you at some point experienced a physical detoxification, you know that before you start to feel good, you’ll feel much worse, because of the toxins that accumulated in your body and now they get out.

• Me, for example, when I started to eat healthy, I had a lot of new pimples, a ugly smelling sweat, my guts were howling as if they argued with me because I now eat salads instead of steaks, my head was hurting all the time after I gave up Pepsi, and so on. It was a physical pain, but not a toxic one, but one of cleansing. I then chose to focus on the respect I had for these consequences that I must endure now because I intoxicated my body with a lot of junk food. And I was happy that my body cooperates and takes out the garbage it doesn’t need (through pimples, diarrhea, sweat, etc) I only had to resist this process without putting pressure on myself, without hurrying it in some ways.

This body too has its own rhythm. And so happens with soul detoxification too.

After you got used to be irresponsible, to act and feel like the center of the world, to demand and pretend everything from everybody and from life, to make certain wrong choices… you now have to take some consequences which are unpleasant and then you’ll start doing steps through what’s really important. So, before feeling good, you’ll feel a lot worse in this case too.

• Here’s what I experienced: -Big anger every time my expectations weren’t achieved, because deep down I knew that I have to give up expectations and demands. -Mental traffic with millions and millions of thoughts per minute, where I have to sit still and wait until they pass, without fighting what I can’t control or touch. After I realized that I’m not as important as I thought, a big suffering came and I was easily starting to cry, thinking that besides the images I have about myself, I don’t really know who I am. -Agitated dreams at night. Every piece of my body was hurting, many times I could feel it. In this case it was very difficult to have patience and wait until it passed, but I was lucky to have by my side a man who always told me: “Please, resist one more minute. And one more minute. And just a little bit more.” And the moment came when my dreams were sweet and my sleep quiet. When things started to make sense deep down myself. When THAT storm had passed.

• There are those cases where women who became addicted to someone get out from a toxic relationship and they are in pain, even though they know the decision is correct. If they take time to adapt, to clean what’s toxic, they create space for some sort of … quietness.

I had some storms inside my soul while following this path of humanity *being more correct, human, nice to people and life) and making changes and it’s a certainty that many more will come, but I already know that this suffering is a detoxification, and since then my question is: “Who exactly suffers? My human part, my soul, my being or… my EGO?, that parasite that now knows it’s not the center of the world?” If the answer is the second part, then I let go and let myself clean, suffer and that part die.

No pressure, no hurry. The soul has its own rhythm which must be respected.

I want things to change, but to stay the same

The majority of the people want to change something in their lives without risking anything, keeping all the benefits from their actual situation. We want to obtain a certain effect without the need to assume a responsible decision and its consequences.

For example, you want a job which you think will fulfill you, but without giving up the current one, which brings more money, you want a good state of being, without the responsibility to actually change something you do, or something in your life, even though you don’t actually know what the change is going to bring.

We chase pleasurable moods and we avoid what it is unpleasant, because the recognition of the unpleasant moments means honesty, truth and responsibility.

You want health without doing anything in this direction. Even when you eat healthy for a while, you start to feel disgusted with so many green stuff and want only the positive consequences you could gain from this lifestyle. But the consequences could be positive or not.

In an ideal world we could enjoy every process, without this need to see the finish line. The mindset would be: I eat healthy because I like to feel the benefits of this salad right now (I feel energized, I move easier, etc). Or: I do what feels correctly and what the humanity in me says, because it is the only way I can be at peace with myself, not because I know that what goes around comes around. Even if bad things will come back to me, I’ll still do good, because this feels right.

No matter how good we are at cheating, Life can’t be fooled.

Nobody can guarantee a certain result or predict the future of your dreams. I know, it’s easier to sit steady and ask life to change something for you, but without changing too much, if possible.

We want life to revise some things, but not change something that could destroy our comfort. We want life not to revise some things, but absolutely change something. Of course the change should only come where things hurt us… without risking or taking responsibility for something.

The bad news (or the good news), depends from which way you look, is that:

1. There are no guarantees or certainties or stagnations in life.

2. You are responsible for what you do, but you cannot control the consequences of your actions, consequences which you must assume. You must be aware of what life brings in every moment and adapt on the fly.

The bad news (or the good news), depends from which way you look, is that:

1. Life controls everything better that you could ever think and is friendly when you cooperate. Life is brave and it risks for your aspirations and is responsible for you. The same Life could also be unbearable when you systematically betray everything that is human in you, every gift from Mother Nature and from other people.

2. When you follow your soul (without many calculations), no matter the consequences, you assume them with pleasure, because you enjoyed every moment as your soul wished.

People don’t like the idea that whatever we choose, there are some consequences we cannot control or foresee.

Of course that, by being honest you can gain a lot of things, but you can also lose a lot. The idea is to choose to be honest because it is the right thing that makes you sleep well at night.

If I eat healthy and give my body what it needs, I bring a contribution to my immunity and I might feel good in the long term. It can or it cannot happen this way. Everything I do to keep myself healthy helps, but I have no guarantee that I am going to live a long life, for example. 

The only guarantee is my state of being in this moment.

The consequences, positive or negative are different, depending of what we wish to obtain. We follow a mental image which we wish to protect, a false certainty… or we follow our soul?

The results I had when I was following my demands, ordering life to do as I please, were superficial, but fast and brought a certain satisfaction. I felt in many key moments of my life that something is breaking inside, when I was making decisions based on wrong motivations. And I continued to follow this path despite that feeling. I didn’t want to lose a role in which I have invested a lot of time and I didn’t want to sully my reputation. I wasn’t able to risk a thing, especially when through manipulations and games… I gained a lot of things faster.   

The consequence of my choice to follow my mental calculations (what I lose if I do this?, what I win if I choose that?) caught me only in England when I woke up after I was sexually abused in the bathroom where I was staying. That was the moment when I left the stories aside and honestly asked myself...what the fuck am I doing in my life?

You know how some people say that before dying you see the whole life in front of your eyes? That’s how I saw all of my wrong choices in that moment. Because I didn’t want to take responsibility for those past actions and admit the truth, I denied the way I felt, as fast as I could and I started to mime an apparent happiness (as many of us do). I ended up tasting a beautiful depression.

I couldn’t say “Yes! I was wrong for many years and I am responsible for everything.” It was easier to run from myself and drown in depression after I betrayed my inner voice so many times.

And I didn’t cure myself by some miracle either. There were baby steps, right decisions, I went through all that I was denying to myself all these years and I paid a fortune for what I woke up in the people around me and in this world. But now, a decision was made, that no matter what happens, I won’t betray myself again because of the calculations in my mind. (even though I had many temptations and occasions for many times after that).

Consequences

The consequences of betraying my soul because of calculations (what you don’t want to lose, or what you don’t assume) are amazing! (being ironic here). Anxieties, panic attacks, depression. And at this point, the only thing that people want is to get rid of this moods as fast as possible, without looking in the past to see how you arrived there and how to take the road back. The effects are indeed difficult to manage and they directly impact your inner world, suffocating you from the inside. Literally.

At this point no one wants to take credit for his/her decisions that brought us here. I never heard someone saying: “I was wrong my whole life, but now, even with those panic attacks… I still consider it was all worth it.” Or “I have lung cancer, but I don’t regret smoking 4-5 packs of cigarettes daily.”

When it comes to facing their decisions, people transform in their own hangman… thinking they are the victims of their destiny.

 

Let me tell you that your search for peace is in vain. Peace is not something to look for. It is a consequence of your integrity and of the respect you showed in front of life and in front of the truth. 

The only place where the weather report counts is on the inside. The Sun you are looking for outside, won’t warm you, unless you accept your inner rain.

No matter how much you’ll run from yourself and avoid the truth, choosing temporary anesthesia (such as drugs, personal development courses, trips, food, etc), please consider that when the pain will become inevitable, it will also be harder to live with it. You will have to take the road back, through every mud you denied.

Your own music

When you follow your soul and do not betray pieces of yourself just to please others or to maintain an image, there will also be consequences.

When I finally knew and assumed who I am (what I can see and know with my limits included), I lost a few people… who weren’t even there. I lost a lot, even though I couldn’t see those things and experiences as a loss. I felt disappointed, but it was because some of my illusions were breaking down.

When you lose something by being honest, correct and responsible for your actions and for the life you want to create, those loses are not affecting the inner peace that you are experiencing.

And even if you’ll have to pay a price for following human aspirations, you will pay it with pleasure and know you’ll do the same any time. Because nothing compares with inner peace and no matter what you’ll have to lose in the outside world… you don’t sell yourself just to live for others, but you follow…your own music. 

 

Hugs and kisses ❤

 

What can I Do NOW - emotions, scenario, present moment

What do we do with thoughts and emotions?

What can I do now?

 

This is the question that got me out of many victimisations and on-the-edge situations and I remember it as often as I can. I realized at one point that almost anything that happens to me… I can face this moment. And right now, there is at least one thing I can do in my situation, no matter which this situation is.

Our mind is creating it’s own story about ourselves, about others and about different experiences and if we give it full attention, this stories can easily become overwhelming.

 

This overwhelming comes from the identification with our thoughts (the stories we told ourselves as being true) and this mood is here to show us that we are not in our bodies anymore, that we are disconnected from the reality, present moment and life.

 

Yes, you read it well. We are not in our body when thoughts and the emotions that come afterwards overwhelm us.

You probably have lived too at least one time an intense fear, a worry or anger. Are  you feeling in your body then? Do you feel your feet? Are you aware about your breath? Do you feel your hands?

Besides the emotions which we can feel in our body (through illness, trembling, which are physical reactions), in that very moment we are not in our body, but we are caught in a mental-emotional bubble.

Physical reactions show you the emotions that caught you, but still, you can’t feel your body… you are not there and your attention is on your thoughts.

 

Even when you feel a pain in the body for example, you are not present to it. The mind is immediately running to other thoughts, which disconnect you from the moment “OMG, what’s with this pain?” Is it bad? Am I dying? I am scared.” Even though this physical reactions are just a signal that we are not in the reality, but in our head.

We enter a vicious circle: experience-thoughts-emotions- thoughts again, other emotions and so on, distracting ourselves from the present, from the solutions, through the past and what happened to us (the story which we identify with), then the future and how tough it is going to be (what bad things are coming, what we are going to lose, etc)…

The emotions are nature’s biggest trick, because they take us far from the reality.

 

Their intensity is trying to convince us, and most of the times…it does.

Emotions are real. You can feel them. They are intense. But the emotion is an interpretation to something, which makes it false through the story behind her.

In other words, The Emotion is real. The interpretation of the situation is false. And the interpretation of the situation creates the emotion.

The story behind the emotion is an illusion. An interpretation of some data, situations, contexts, without checking the truth and the real situation which we deal with.

First example:

I have a meeting with you. In the middle of it, you realize you are in a hurry and you tell me you have to go, but that I shouldn’t worry, we’ll talk, you are going to call me.

You leave, and I start to think that I definitely did something wrong or that you don’t like me. I start to interpret the whole situation and starting from this thought, I will find others to confirm my hypothesis (yeah, I knew it, I knew he was looking at me like I was some kind of weirdo. When he talked to me his arms were crossed, so he was defensive, He was in a hurry to go home, he couldn’t stand to be around me one more minute, etcetera, you got the idea: we interpret gestures that can confirm the initial thought).

Starting from this thoughts I can feel sad. I can tell myself hundreds of stories about how rejected I feel, that this is my wound, of rejection, I can feel angry that you left in a hurry, etc.

The emotions are real. Anger, rejection, sadness. But are caused by:

1.      My interpretations over the situation, interpretations which I confirmed again, finding mental arguments.

2.      My fundamental motivation. To be accepted no matter what, wanting a position from which I receive things easily, etc. Otherwise I could enjoy even half an hour in your presence, a short meeting, without so many fears.

The emotions are real. I can feel them. The interpretation of the situation remains just a story instead. And this makes the emotion false too. It’s intensity wants to convince me that I am right, that I am a victim, that is justified to put pressure on yourself, and so on.

 The next day you call me and I am still mad, my mind had a lot of time to interpret the situation in every possible way.

And then, while talking to you, I find out that you had diarrhea and that you are embarrassed that you had to go, but your stomach really hurt and that’s why you left in such a hurry.

Voila! Emotions versus reality.

It may look like a simple example, but do you have any idea how many movies like this we create in our head daily regarding a lot of situations, which have nothing to do with the reality?

And there are a lot of situations where I don’t get to know the truth, I don’t get to see the whole picture, or you simply don’t tell me that you had diarrhea, or maybe even I get to be rejected by someone, because he had his own reasons. If I hurry to take all of this personal and I believe what my mind tells me, my emotions will be as my story is, even though there’s nothing real in it.

However, we also have a pleasure in all of these emotions, because they confirm our story.

I mean, after I constantly repeated myself that I am afraid of being rejected, part of me is eager to interpret every gesture as a rejection, so that I can identify myself once more and say to myself: “LOOK! Yes, I knew it. Exactly what I can’t stand happens to me all the time.” And like this, some sort of sweetness appears in negative emotions, because even if we don’t feel good, we get the validation of our own story.

I could have chosen an opposite emotion too. The exaltation for example.

Second example:

I have a meeting with you, we chat for hours and I feel good, I laugh, you compliment me and I start to think that we are a match. Starting from this, here comes a thought: “pfff, what a nice man/woman, so smart, so beautiful and I think he/she likes me too, I can tell it from the way he looks at me. I felt so good with him.” And that initial thought we confirm through other thoughts, proves we search for, everything to tell ourselves the story we wanna live (how he looks, what a tough life he had, how he managed to do everything by himself, what a nice man he is, what he said, what he did).

And the exaltation appears because:

1.       I make romantic interpretations with you, even though I just met you at a dinner and

2.       I validate myself as a woman, feeling important because you, a God, are going out with me (or the other way, you feel an important man because a woman likes you, etc)

From here results a childish enthusiasm.

After a while, I can see from your actions that you are a jerk, that in important situations you run, that you lie a lot. (IF I can see this after all the stories I told myself). At this point, if I respect the truth, I should make my decisions and leave you. (Again, if I can, after all these lies I kept feeding myself).

But when I don’t like the truth, I reinvent all the situation and tell myself more stories.

„How could you do this to me? When did you change so much? Why does this have to happen to me? Such a jerk! I wish I could make him pay, etcetera”… emotions that want to convince me that it is justified to feel like a victim and eventually, I can even call you to tell you a lot of stuff. 

This thoughts appear because you feel a little rumpled and want to keep a position of superiority over the situation. The fact that you went out with a nice woman/man validated you before and you felt important, but now, after you realized you were stupid, you reinvent the whole story, so you can play the victim here. Through victimization you are superior to the one who mocked you. Also the thought that you are a better person appears, you tell yourself you couldn’t have done anything like this.

Instead I can see that my stories are the cause of everything, that my initial interests made me stupid, not the other person. And if I want to get out of this situation, I can’t do it using the same tools (more stories). I need to look the situation in the eyes, with dignity, I need to see the truth! Maybe I should pay more attention and be more respectful for what it is, not for what I’d like the situation to be.

tHIS WHOLE EMOTIONAL carousel is getting stronger every time this thought appears: “hOW CAN I PUT AN END TO ALL OF THIS? How can I control my mind? How do i stop it?”

This is another trick of the mind, through which it tries to stop itself.

Plus, you want to stop your mind only when you don’t like the thoughts and emotions it creates.

You wouldn’t hurry to do the same if the thoughts and emotions would be positive, even though disconnected from the reality, you like them (exaggerated enthusiastic stories), but exactly these kind of thoughts prepare the field for what we call “negative”.

In other words, we like stories. And that wouldn’t be a problem as long as a part of humanity remains present in the story. The problem is that it captures us completely and we don’t see the false anymore. When you get to see a part of what’s false or if you feel disappointed, you quickly want everything to end. You then lost respect and the curiosity for the whole mechanism who brought you here.

You cannot stop the mind thinking and you cannot control the chaos of thoughts and fears. You can only respect this trick of human nature, through which we tell ourselves stories about everything and interpret the situations. Then you can be attentive to try not to give up your full attention.

 

If you can, keep a little attention on something else. For example, feel the earth beneath your legs, or feel your hands and massage your ears.

In both situations described above, the question “What can I do now?” would have helped already.

In the first situation, of being rejected… to realize that I don’t even know the whole truth, but I can ask. Maybe even be honest and vulnerable and write you a message, telling that those thoughts have appeared and that I am curious if they are true. And then, the truth would have been revealed more quick.

Or, if I want to go deeply, to think that it’s just one of my needs to be validated and I should consider the fact that even if you don’t like me, people have different tastes, and this tells absolutely nothing about me, but maybe tells something about what you like. I mean it’s not all about me.

In the second situation, it helps to realize that you look like a nice guy, that I am a little bit excited because of this, but that is why I need to be interested to know you better, I mean in the real way. To pay more attention to you, not to the stories in my head.

In order to do so in your daily situations, first you have to admit that whenever something of this high intensity appears… something is not right.

You must observe yourself a little and see some thoughts and how relevant they are, see where your mind wonders, then without stopping it, remember to bring your attention to what is happening right now. Be present in your body.

The question “what can I do now?” is what helps me do what I wrote above. In high intensity situations, bring a little attention on the present, what is concrete and take responsibility.

Sometimes I don’t manage to do it, because thoughts have already steal me and I am too overwhelmed, and I can just sit down, attentive in myself, until it passed. Because it always passed.

The emotions have the “gift” of making one blind and reduce all senses only to the problem or to your obsession. everything narrows and nothing else Remains… only the problematic situation you decorate with a story.

You lose the overall image, break yourself from the truth. Nothing matters and you see nothing of what you have, what is a plus, what really happens, what you can do. It’s just the impression that it will last forever- that’s how emotions catch you.

Don’t try stopping the stories that come, because you will only grow them bigger (be kind to yourself and be a little patient)…you maybe can physically stop yourself where you are and not believe everything that’s in your head.

Take a deep breath, open the window and let your thoughts get out from your head, without forcing them. Don’t get attached to your stories. Don’t speak with them, don’t invite them to a coffee, making the situation harder and more dramatic than it is, feeling guilty or bringing back memories.

It would be great to practice this in daily, easier situations, without giving then such a big importance, because it’s easier to observe how the mind in playing and which are it’s tricks.

 

·   Respect what it is and focus on what you can do now does not mean procrastination or complacement.

·   To respect the reality means to pay attention to it and accept it without struggling because you wanted something else.

·   In order to pay attention, you must remain present in your body, not in your thoughts.

·   You should use your mind and your mind shouldn’t use you… put it to work for you, finding solutions to your problem. This can happen after you observe your thoughts and where they bring you.

·   If you at least observe a few thoughts, remember they are only thoughts, without consistence. Let them appear and go with the wind.

·   Don’t fight them, because that will only empower them. Just watch your thoughts from outside and be present inside your body (without the interpretation of some possible physical reactions. Be present to the pain also, without resisting and be aware of this temptation to interpret them).

If you are focused on what you can do now, this doesn’t mean you procrastinate some things because “it’s also ok like this”, or that you don’t have to take your future into consideration or some possible consequences.

Just don’t let yourself caught by interpretations of the future, being completely absorbed by your mind, not being present at all in your body.

 

Example of present reference to the future

I had a lot of thoughts regarding a situation I had to solve until June.

Of course this thoughts come with their intense emotions attached, which want to convince you that… the situation is really bad, that it’s tough, how will I do, how will I manage, feeling worried, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. I don’t think I should say more, you definitely know what I’m talking about. You know what things can appear when you have something important to solve.

When I realized I am assaulted by all these thoughts and moods, the first thing I did was to tell myself  Good, I can see that this situation preoccupies me. In June I have to solve everything. It is already May… perfect! What can I do now?”

And a few small ideas came of what I can do. And I started to act on them.

When ideas come of what you can do right now, be aware that the mind comes with one more trick: it wants to convince you that is not enough. Useless, banal, too little.

Please ignore it and never underestimate small steps. Even nano steps. Just do something. Now! How and what you can.

And be aware! There might be situations in which you can do nothing. Then I ask myself what else I can do in that moment. Even if it’s not related with my problem, definitely there are other aspects of my life in which I can do something. Start with those. Just don’t stay in your mind anymore.

Three big tricks of the mind

1.      Victimisation – which happens through the process of thought-emotion-reaction which I described a few pages above. The intensity of unpleasant situations is because of wrong interpretations of data, situations, contexts. All of these try to convince you that you have the right to feel like a victim. That there’s nothing else you can do, you only create stories in your mind.

2.      Minimalisation – When you observed the first trick of the mind, you started exercise the outside look of some thoughts and you are paying attention, starting not to believe all the stories you tell yourself. Then solutions appear. Ideas come. Out of nowhere. Then the mind tries one more thing: to convince you that this step is too small, so unimportant, soooo… toooo… for your huge problem. In order to stop you to take action and send you back to trick no 1.

3.      Self-blaming– If you get past the first two tricks and don’t dramatize anymore, but you start to feel responsible, asking yourself what you can do, then you don’t underestimate small steps, but you start to act… the mind has one more trick already prepared and hits you with a self-blaming thing. Some thoughts appear. If I was smart enough to do this earlier, what if X will be mad at me and will make me feel guilty, what if… what if…

And when this doesn’t work either, blaming others will work. Because of him I am here. My life was always harder. I always fought hard for what I needed. Why does this happen all the time to me, and so on.

Please remember that this tricks are going to exist forever and are the minds attempt to trick you to remain on stage 1, of being a victim.

Sadly, we lose ourselves too easily in one of these 3 stories, just because we don’t pay attention who speaks to us and how many false stories about us and about others we can sum up.

Why do i think the mind does this?

Because once we’ll be more careful inside ourselves and more responsible, more awake and more alive… this mental part (call it ego if you want) which wants to identify with everything, to create it’s own story and take everything personally, would lose power. And exactly this part in order to survive, wants to convince you that you are a victim, that solutions are too small, that you are guilty, or that someone else is guilty. So you can sleep well and she can be satisfied (while you’re more and more tired and lacking energy).

Some emotions can come after a real interpretation of a situation too

That’s true. The majority of our mental-emotional traffic with it’s attached stories, comes on a fundamental of wrong motivations, confusions or missunderstandings. When my motivation (hidden, so even I can’t see it) is to be the best, the prettiest, the most… then it’s normal that the majority of thoughts and emotions will come as a confirmation (validation, enthusiasm, superiority, comparisons, etcetera) or to attack the image I created about myself (rejection, disappointment, inferiority when I see someone better than me, and so on).

For example, you refuse to get out with me or you tell me in the face you don’t like me. The emotion of anger or sadness appears, but the situation is not an interpretation, it is true. You really don’t like me.

 

But behind one simple thing, that you don’t like me, stays my demand of being liked and accepted by everybody or by YOU! And it’s about ME! Because if my neighbor would have been rejected, I wouldn’t care. But it is about me. And then the story comes to transform a real fact in a victimization through which I take your NO like a victim and transform it in a rejection. I AM REJECTED. And I start telling myself stories to excuse my victimization. That I have this wound. That as I child I was constantly rejected. That life is hard. At least now I can feel superior because I had a tough life.

Another example can be anger. If you are late for the meeting or you don’t respect a promise, big anger can appear inside of me.

It is an emotion which appears after a reality: you are late or you forgot your promise. But if you pay attention inside yourself, you can see thoughts as: “This is lack of respect! He promised and he didn’t honored his word, he definitely doesn’t care,…” Instead of accepting some facts of some people and take your decisions based on facts, you demand that they do as you wish, in your standards of respect and how you think things are working.

There are a lot more situations which I won’t write now, because it’s too long already, but I’ll come back with articles on this subject, with different contexts and shades.

And what do we do with the fear of the future?

You can never control the future!

You cannot face some events from the future or fears about them. BUT, you can face the present, when you choose to be aware and do something now, with the resources you have. Even if it seems too little, I repeat: never underestimate small decisions. And your huge preoccupation for the future shows that right now you are not doing your work.

The mind will never stay in one place and will never be quiet and thoughts and emotions that come from this space will be intense and will come as stories, as long as there’s no human part focused on observing them.

When you sit down, relaxed, curious, you can find out that beneath all this thoughts there’s more…You are there.

The mind won’t sit, so you have to. With respect. See what you can do now.

And if there’s nothing you can do (yes, I repeat, there are situations in which you can do nothing, your limits are bigger, you don’t have resources anymore, etc) just see HOW you can accept the context, respect the games of life and slowly regain strength. Start with what you can do.

And it’s a must! Be aware what thoughts get through your head and don’t believe them. Don’t automatically take them for granted. Make an exercise from observing your thoughts in banal situations: while waiting in a shop, at the bank, in traffic, while you wash the dishes, when you clean the house, when you get out with your friends (just see how present you are in the moment and how you want to appear to others, the comparisons you make, what thoughts appear). Identify your stories. Observe their heaviness. Observe how hard it is to give up on them and how the thought that you are it appears. Don’t believe everything that goes through your head.

And breathe. Profoundly.

HUGS! ❤